The art of a boundary

Are you allowed to say no or remove yourself from a situation? Yes.

We won’t go into specifics, but consider for a moment all of the issues in your own life – or even the world. There are a lot of things competing for our attention, and not all of those things are healthy for us. However, we often force ourselves to sit in this discomfort, because we feel uncomfortable saying no or setting a boundary or voicing a need. On the flip side, sometimes we impose those same difficulties onto others by ignoring when someone else sets those boundaries with us.

I want you to ponder this question - What are the areas of your life where you may need to set a boundary (either for yourself or for others)? My favorite type of boundary is a “time-out”. You are allowed to tell someone that you need the time or space to consider an issue before responding. I also tell people to add some rules to the time-out, such as "I will get back to you by 5PM tonight", or "Can we circle back at the end of the week?". This gives the other person a feeling of safety, knowing that this issue will not be dropped or forgotten. However, if it is an issue that is becoming toxic to the relationship, you are also allowed to say something along the lines of “This does not feel like a good conversation for us to have right now. I would appreciate if you respected my boundary and did not discuss it further with me. If you feel it is something I must know or engage in, please send me an email with a brief outline of the desired discussion so I can decide if I am able to engage.” And, if even that is ignored, disengage. Talk to a therapist or the like for further help in finding a safe way forward!

To address the flip side – if you are on the receiving end of a boundary, take a moment and try to reflect on the reason it was presented. We are human, and there’s a chance you may not have realized the damage being done by the discussion. Own it. Apologize for creating an environment in which the other person did not feel seen, heard or even safe. If it is something you feel you do still want to discuss, ask if there is a way or any rules that could be implemented that would allow for the discussion to move forward.

Boundaries are our friends even if they feel uncomfortable. They allow us to create safe spaces for people and let them know that their opinion/needs matter. As do yours.